For a long time, I took personal responsibility for our failure and inability to get pregnant. To explain further, let me give you a little personal medical history:
Before marriage and babies even entered my head, I was diagnosed with Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) at 18. Physically, this means small cysts have taken residence in my ovaries. Symptomatically, this can mean a host of different side effects and it's different for every person. For me, these included:
Weight gain
Low metabolism
Inability to ovulate
Hormonal imbalance (low estrogen)
Irregular periods
Heavy cramping
Some women exhibit these same symptoms. Others don't have issues with weight gain but their periods put them on bed rest. Some ovulate just fine, but the suppression of estrogen causes mood swings and depression.
For 20 years, I've been searching for answers to combat PCOS- I'd go on these crash diets, lots of pills to regulate hormones and periods, regiments of extreme charting of symptoms as well as months (sometimes years) of denial and pushback to just live "normally" and not under the radar of this disease. I'd get frustrated that normal dieting and exercising wouldn't work for me, yet not want to commit to the extreme steps I'd have to take for fear that I would lose parts of my life I considered "normal" (going out with friends, enjoying food/drink like everyone else). This has led to what is still a seesaw of back and forth that I still have trouble managing.
When we started seeing our reproductive endocrinologist in TX, my assumption was that I wasn't getting pregnant due to the constant symptoms of my PCOS. Instead, to be safe, the doctor recommended additional and tests to rule out what could also be other factors. We agreed and in doing so, we also found the following:
Fibroids in my Uterus
Blockage of my Fallopian Tubes
Even with the fibroids, blockage and PCOS, the doctors have been hesitant to truly define my infertility. People with PCOS have been able to get pregnant, fibroids can be removed (I've had 2 surgeries to remove), but even with some intense procedures, every month, we saw the same negative pregnancy test and I think I felt a little more broken every day, not to mention the expenses that started to pile up with each test and procedure.
You see, I viewed infertility as it being about me- my failures, my inability, my brokenness. I felt like I was cheating my husband and my parents with my inability to give them that next generation. I felt personally responsible for denying my nephews more cousins in their life. I really took my medical issues personally and the more I searched for answers, the further I felt I was getting from where we wanted to be.
When we started talking about adoption initially, I was hesitant to bring it up. If I opened up to adoption, wasn't I confirming my own brokenness? I'll admit, for a few weeks I felt like I was in the middle of a mental and emotional boxing match- but at the end of the day, I kept asking myself the question, "Why do you want to grow your family?" Was it just to experience pregnancy? Was it to ensure our bloodline grew to that next generation?
I think others who adopt go through similar self-questioning so for me, once I started asking these questions I realized that this infertility journey- so far- had been so selfishly about me. MY inability, MY failure, MY body. Adoption, however, isn't about ME. It's bigger than me, bigger than my husband and it doesn't rely on the faults of my body but instead on the courage and love of everyone involved- me, Mr. A, the birth parents, the adoption agency, our families, etc. And I'll be honest, in our decision to move forward with adoption, I've felt a lightness and a freedom that I haven't experienced in a long time. This has been confirmed by the outpouring of support we've received since our big announcement.
I will always struggle with PCOS and the effects of it- our adoption journey doesn't change that. I will always struggle with weight issues, will probably always feel some type of body image issues and will continue to fight to figure out a balance between my disease and living my life. But now, our future family is not dependent on my PCOS- and my heart has never felt more full.
Want to pray, share or invest in our journey? You can do so here:
www.youcaring.com/carradoptionfund
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