Monday, January 9, 2017

Where to Prepare vs. When to Wait

In the words of Chip Gaines, "We're rockin' and a rollin' here at the Baby project!"  Now that we are Home Study approved and our Profile is live, I've been really trying to process what we can do while we're in this waiting stage.

This comes with a big question- how much do we want to do while we wait?  There are obvious pro's and con's on how to approach this piece:

1. Pro- the more prepared the better off we'll be if we are matched quickly.
2. Pro- once something happens, it's going to be quick- better to already have things checked off the list.

1. Con- what if we aren't matched quickly?  Then we're just looking at all this baby stuff every day.
2. Con- what if we are matched but it ends up failing?  Won't it hurt to be ready for a baby that's not coming yet?

At the end of the day, I'm a planner.  So, regardless of the timing and worrying about when something is or isn't going to happen, I know I'll feel better having done as much as possible to prepare for baby. Then I can just close the nursery door and be ready to open it whenever something happens.  So in that spirit, we've tried to focus on areas where we knew we could go ahead and get ahead of the game without taking away any personal preparations we'd need to do once we found out more about our match.

Through the holidays and this past week we've:
1. Painted the nursery (shades of neutral gray to compliment the white built-ins.  We got lucky here as the built-ins were already a piece of the room)

2. Painted the nursery furniture (Annie Sloan did WONDERS with this old furniture- no final pics yet as I'm still deciding on hardware, but it's a thousand times prettier)

3. Put together a crib (Mr. A calls it a jail, but it's super cute, promise.  Traditional Jenny Lind crib and the white looks really nice against the wall colors)


4. Registered at Buy Buy Baby


The last piece has definitely been the more fun of all of the "to do's" on my list, yet it came with it's own set of challenges as well.  The first being the due date.  See, when you register, you need to provide a due date.  We don't have one so we just picked a date (June 1st) as a placeholder.  The sweet gal at BBB was a little confused (I think we were her first adoptive couple) so we had to go into a little more detail than I would have liked (see previous post) on getting her on board with what we were trying to do. But after some explanation, questions and more explanations, we got our scanner and were off and running.

Mamas-to-be- a piece of advice.  Let your hubbies handle the scanner.  Mr. A. was thrilled and immediately started scanning everything in site.  Now, full disclosure- I went online later and did a little "editing" but it helped him stay into the process and watching him try to figure out what all the gadgets and gizmos were about was extremely entertaining!

For us, we concentrated on the "must have" pieces of the registry and really did not try to add on anything that would be specific to gender or age.   Yes we needed a changing pad.  Yes, we would need burp clothes.  Everything is in shades of green, gray and yellow as I'm sure once we know what's what we'll have plenty of pink or blue options to choose from.

There were a couple of pieces I wasn't sure about-
1. Diaper Genie- really?  Is a trash can not up to the job?  Please advise!
2. Travel System vs. Car Seat?  We registered for both as we had 2 different associates sell us on the merits of them.  Not sure how we feel.
3. Rocking Chair vs. Rocker vs. Glider.  Help!

Yes there are still things we could do, but for the most part, having these projects and items to work on really has helped me stay calm about the whole process.  I knew the waiting would be what drove me crazy, so I'm sure there will be more projects to come.

Thanks for staying involved in our journey!  To learn more, please visit:
www.youcaring.com/carradoptionfund


Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Mama to be or Adoptive Mama to be? Is there a difference?

I've personally watched friends make their pregnancy announcements and (especially for a first child) it can resemble a middle schooler's reaction to running into One Direction on the street.  There is cheering, squealing, excitement, tears, hugs... you get the picture.  And there SHOULD be.  Anytime there is an announcement of new life, it's cause for a big celebration.


Adoption announcements (in my limited experience) come across a little differently.  For the most part, people- especially those close to you- are excited but in many cases, I've noticed that the "congratulations" also come with warnings and questions and the dreaded recommendations that start with, "Well, have you tried....".  I'd say at least 50% of our initial adoption announcements usually ends up being a conversation and explanation about what we've tried and haven't tried, listening to how we need to relax and lose our stress and we'll just get pregnant on our own, and warnings from Lifetime specials or urban adoption myths where there are biological parents lurking in the bushes ready to steal a child away so we should always be on guard.  There are home remedies to be given and passive-aggressive statements on how they feel regarding open adoptions and getting to know birth parents.

Lately, because of the responses above, I sometimes find myself hesitating over sharing adoption news- sometimes it almost comes across as a guilty confession- we can announce, but also have to rush into our reasons, my medical history and our challenges- like we have to validate our choice.  And I'll be honest, that is frustrating because once in awhile, all a girl really wants is some squealing and hugging.  And really, who wants to drag up their medical history and it's failures time and time again?!

Last week, I had my first appointment with a new lady doctor who is also an OBGYN.  I was a little nervous, but this dr. came highly recommended and I am so glad now I followed this recommendation because when we first sat down and adoption came up, she immediately had the most excited reaction.  She hugged me, sat me down and said, "You're going to be a mother soon, so I'm going to treat you just like I treat all my other patients."  With that, we proceeded to talk about my diet, the rest I'm getting, stress and I left not only with a completed physical but list of pediatricians and peace of mind that physically I had some care during this process.  The only thing missing was an  ultrasound.

I couldn't believe it and walked out of there shell-shocked.  Then it occurred to me- this was the first time someone out of my close circle actually treated me like a mama-to-be, not an adoptive mama-to-be.  And I'll be honest, it sparked something in me- a sweet positive emotional high that I'm still feeling 2 weeks later.

So, for those of you who know people who are planning to adopt, please take this friendly advice:  Be EXCITED for your friends!  Yes, it's scary and yes there are unknowns, but these mamas and daddies-to-be want to experience the giddiness and excitement and planning and prepping that comes with the territory of preparing for baby.  They don't necessarily want to feel like they have to defend or explain their journey to everyone every time.  Because here's the deal;  we ARE parents-to-be.  We just don't have the due date yet.

Wanna follow, pray, share or give towards our journey?  You can do so here:
www.youcaring.com/carradoptionfund

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

The Home Study

Talk about a whirlwind!  The last couple of weeks have been just that for our family.  In addition to the traditional holiday madness that always ensues, we've been working like crazy to finish our paperwork and prepare our house for our home study.  While this post may be a bit technical and lengthy, I want to ensure anyone who is considering adoption has all the facts as sometimes the idea of a home study may seem scary and overwhelming.  But for us, it's been just the opposite.

So, let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start).
An approved home study needs to be completed before a child can be placed in your home.  Home study requirements vary, based on the state, but most require the following pieces of information from the adoptive parents in order to even qualify:
     1. Proof that you are who you say you are, economically and financially
     2. Proof that you have thought about this process and are emotionally ready to parent
     3. Proof that your background, history, and home life do not raise any red flags as a potential parent

Now this is all very broad, so what it really boils down to is lots and LOTS of paperwork and answering LOTS of questions as well as:
  • Doctor's statements on our health (some states require a physical)
  • W2s, Tax Statements, Check Stubs and official documentation on education and employment
  • Letters of reference
  • Address and Work history (Ours asked for 15 years of history on both and let me tell you, remembering every place I lived while in college was a brain teaser that took 3 days to solve)
  • Answering questions about our parenting skills, filling in the blanks that usually started with, "What would you do if___" and discussing our parenting styles, thoughts on discipline, goals for our child future plans regarding activities and education.
  • Discussing our marriage in detail, it's successes and failures, our individual strengths and the possible parenting strengths of our partner. (this happens when the couple is interviewed individually and together)
  • Writing a letter to our birth  mother (more on this in later posts as it was one of the most emotional things I've ever had to do).
  • Submitting to background checks in EVERY STATE WE'VE EVER LIVED IN (this goes in all caps to give you a sense of the amount of paperwork some states require when filling out background forms- it was not pleasant)
  • Proofing our home for the safety and security of our child
This is just a brief list but I hope you get the picture.  It's detailed.  It's time consuming.  It's filling out LOTS of paperwork with LOTS of questions.  It's something I really wanted to pass off or hire out for, but so important for the adoptive parents to fill out and turn in themselves. It's also important that BOTH parents take part in filling out the information and not just one parent who is impatient and just wants to get it done (I'll give you one guess as to who the impatient one was in this scenario).  Only then can we schedule interviews and visits with our social worker.  Then, they put everything together and approve us per state requirements.

For the our state, they also required a 4-page checklist to be completed on any safety and health issues on our house.  This included securing outlets with the childproof covers, getting our heating system checked, and installing a fire extinguisher that is visible in the kitchen.  No, it couldn't go underneath in a cabinet.  It had to be seen out in plain view.
Can everybody see it?!!?

Here's the interesting thing.  While it was hard to pull everything together, fill out additional paperwork and ready our house, it really forced Mr. A and I to answer questions that I'm not sure we'd be talking about now if I had gotten pregnant and we were preparing for baby in that way.  To even be able to meet with the social worker, we have to discuss how we view discipline, we have to talk about what we want our child to learn from us, and we have to be open about what from our own childhood we want to bring to our parenting skills as well as some differences in parenting we'd like to make from our own parents.  This has been SO valuable and such a blessing!

So, we turned in our paperwork right before Christmas, and I honestly didn't think we'd hear from anyone before the new year.  But, everyone seemed to be jumping to finish our file as we got a call from the social worker and had our home visit YESTERDAY!

Thank goodness the house was already in decent shape, as I'm not sure what husband really wanted to spend the Christmas and the day after deep in cleaning supplies.  Still, Mr. A was a trooper and accommodated my OCD as I was convinced that our worth would be tied to the vacuum cleaner lines in the carpet and the spotless, fingerprint-free appliances.

I think there are probably horror stories about social workers coming and "judging" your ability to parent in situations like this.  I was nervous.  I mean, this complete stranger was going to show up and use her checklist as a measuring stick for us.  I'm happy to say that my fears were COMPLETELY unfounded.  Our person was completely warm and friendly and said repeatedly that she was there to advocate FOR us, which was such a relief!
Us right before the doorbell rang!

Our visit consisted of a review of our paperwork, tour of the house and check of our safety features (yes, she looked at the fire extinguisher!) and just like that, in 3 hours it was over!

Full disclosure- I also made muffins.... it couldn't hurt, right?!?!

I think that the agency is still waiting on some background forms to come back (hint, if you've lived in multiple states in the last 5 years you have to have cleared background information from each state so it takes a little longer) but other than that we are DONE!  Once our profile is live (hopefully this week), there will be NOTHING stopping us from getting picked or matched by an expectant mama.

Here's the thing about adoption and the way it works.  It's a process.  There are steps and until those steps are taken, you can't take the next steps.  It's also different from what you thought your process might look like.  But what's so rewarding and thrilling are the positive and encouraging people who WANT to advocate for you and your future family that come along the way.  God showed me that with this home visit.  I complained (a bunch) about this part of the process, but now that we've seen the social worker and she's seen our house and seen us interact as a couple, I see how this all fits in as a piece of the bigger puzzle.

If you would like to pray, share or invest in our journey, you can do so here:
www.youcaring.com/carradoptionfund

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

The Hoops and Hurtles of Adoption...Our Profile

I haven't talked about the details of our process too much, so for those of you who may be considering adoption, I hope you will find this post helpful.

I was binge-watching Fuller House Season 2 the other night (**SPOILER ALERTS**) and was so happy to see an adoption story featured on there!  I won't tell you who, but 3 episodes had dedicated story lines pertaining to this couple's journey, ending with a Season Ending featuring a brand new cast member!

Ah, if only life could be as simple as it looks on TV (and if only my hair could do what Candace Cameron's hair is doing in Season 2- it looks so amazing!)

On the show, during the Thanksgiving episode, the couple in question decided they wanted to adopt... fast forward 2 episodes later where the social worker visited their workplace and hilarious sketch comedy ensues...fast forward to New Years where the new couple welcomes in the year with a baby.

While I'm sure there's some basis for that timeline, in the real world, 6 weeks doesn't quite work as there are several things that have to be done.

Take our story, for example.  We've been working hard for the past 6 weeks on just a couple of the pieces needed in order to move forward:  our Home Study docs and our Media Profile.  I'll talk more about the home study later- but here's the skinny on the profile.

The profile is a virtual way adoptive parents display their lives and their information for perspective birth parents.  This can include photos, videos, letters, statements and general Q&A.  Profiles are uploaded onto websites where birthmothers search for perspective parents, and are also sent out electronically to hospitals, pregnancy centers, and other agencies throughout the US.

Now, if you've ever posed for engagement pictures, wedding pictures, Glamour Shots or participated in any type of photo shoot, you may feel the pain I have felt putting this together.  Our agency wanted a series of photos of Mr. A and I:

  • Together, close up, formal shots
  • Together, informal
  • Together, action
  • Individual action
I'll admit, this was one of the things I dreaded the most.  I really don't like having my picture made unless it's a cheesy selfie or a theatre pic.  Also, we weren't allowed to turn in selfies.  So, even finding action and together shots of us that don't have the selfie extended arm was a hard challenge. Then, we had to spend a couple of weeks taking photos that looked "authentic" but were actually pretty staged.

Here are some of the photos that did NOT make the cut... can you see the awkwardness in my expressions?!?

Selfie Arm.  Not acceptable

Fake Laughter

He's pointing into thin air.  And the post-it with my instructions to him is visible

He wasn't ready for his close-up

My secret is out

One thing that struck me in doing these photos, is that Mr. A. definitely comes across as the "more fun" of the two of us and I have to say, I'm not sure how I feel about that.  Check out the evidence yourself:



He's the poster boy for awesome!!!  Unlike me...


Yardwork and cooking?!  Boo.

Yes, Mr. A is more fun, but that's good, right?!  You need a nice mix of personality and activity between the two parents (I'm trying to convince myself!).

As uncomfortable as this experience was, I'm happy to say it's over.  On Sunday, we sent in 200+ photos, letters and statements in to our agency to choose from and I'm excited because this will mean our profile should be LIVE for all birthmothers to see by the new year!

If you'd like share, pray or invest in our journey, you may do so here:
www.youcaring.com/carradoptionfund



Thursday, December 15, 2016

Adoption Fundraising Projects

We've had so many friends and family jump on board with this journey as we try to save/raise the $40K estimated costs for our adoption.  As you may know, we have our youcaring.com site, which we are two-thirds of the way to our $30K goal.  The additional $10K needed is money we really wanted to contribute ourselves so we've been saving and selling to try to get to this number.

We've also done some great fundraisers and will continue to do so through next year.  Here are a couple of highlights:

My sweet cousin Lindsay, her mom Kathy and her daughter Kathryn have been working hard since we first announced on their "Cousins 4 Baby Carr" initiative.
In November, Lindsay hosted a live Facebook event to sell Minecraft ornaments and original paintings by her 6 year old daughter Kathryn.


Lindsay is like a sister to me.  She let me boss her around as the "older" cousin when we were younger, we've been each other's weddings, and just last May we met up with our husbands and her newest little one in New Orleans.  

Even though I'm the older one, I look up to her and her amazing mothering skills so much- I hope I can be the kind of mom she is to her kids.  She's the appointed CFO of our adoption project and has been such a huge help!!!


My other cousin Bethany, who's been one of my prayer partners throughout this journey, also hosted a Mary Kay fundraiser on Facebook last month.  

Bethany is a total rockstar.  She lives in Florida with her husband and 2 boys and I also really look up to her as she manages a busy household but has raised such sweet children. She's a MK expert, so please visit her site when you can.

We also headed to my hometown of Macon, GA during the family reunion weekend for a fundraiser my friend Natasha agreed to host at Monkey Joe's she and her husband own.  
This was a tough one as it was COLD and RAINY that day, but we still had some sweet families attend and people called ahead to purchase tix which helped us a bunch.  We even had a special appearance from Monkey Joe himself!


Natasha has had such a heart for our journey and I'm so appreciative of her and all of our friends who participated.

One of the worries I had when we started this whole journey was how in the world we would be able to manage the financial pieces in order to adopt.  The support from our friends and family in their individual gifts as well as the gifts of their time, energy and service has overwhelmed me and has gotten us so much closer to our goal.

There are still some fun things planned for 2017 so stay on the lookout.  In the meantime, please continue to pray and share our journey.  One thing that's come up time and time again is the connection with other couples out there who are also struggling with their inability to get pregnant naturally, so I hope my journey can be a source of comfort and hope.  There are options and there is light at the end of the tunnel.  When you share, you don't know who may be impacted in a positive way, so thank you for that.

To pray, share or invest in our journey, visit our site:
www.youcaring.com/carradoptionfund

Monday, December 12, 2016

Really Long Post about a Really Great Family Reunion

Well, December has been off to a CRAZY start.

We spent the first weekend of December back home in Georgia for my family reunion.

Over 50 adults and 20 children represented!  Can you find my face?!?!  Hint, it's hidden partially behind a toddler.

It was great.  I got to play with my nephews, my cousins kids, catch up with the grownups and celebrate 4 generations of my family in one place.  It's always a little bittersweet because not everyone can come, but it was amazing just the same.  My 3 little ring bearers are now these tall good looking high school students, and my cousins, who I used to boss around as the "oldest" growing up now have kids of their own!
My ringbearers.  Too cool to pose.

My baby brother with his baby- I just melt.

My grandmother with her great-grands.

We also had a special appearance by Santa Clause (Mr. A) who posed with just about everybody.
Santa and my parents.

Santa and my grandmama.

The reunion was great because for whatever reason, we had a slew of kids ranging from 2-4 years old running around and their reactions to each other were priceless.  Here are these kids meeting other kids they've never met and probably will only see once a year, but they recognized each other and just started playing and hanging out like family does.
Cousins Milo and Henry meeting for the first time.  They were best buds the rest of the day!

Babies everywhere!

My Nephew and Mr. A. deep in conversation

Girl talk

It's not a party til you throw leaves in your hair.

It got me thinking about Baby Carr.  Would we bring in the newest family member next year?  Would B.C. just jump into the mix with everyone else?  Before we ate, we had a sweet prayer time and my Uncle David mentioned our adoption journey.  Wow.  Not only do we now feel that love and support from our immediate family- we really feel it from the extended one as well.

We also took the opportunity at the family reunion to have my sweet cousin Bethany take some adoption profile pics for us.  It felt a little bit like engagement photos all over again, but it was fun.  Here are some of our favorites:





Every year, our family participates in this 10K to honor my grandfather but this is the first year we've gotten to go, so we registered and completed our very first 10K!   No, that is not a joke, I ran/walked a 10K.  I'm still not ready to talk about whether or not I'll EVER do one again, but here are some of the memories of that 2 hour experience:

A few of the runners (I really thought doing the race was a mandatory thing for the reunion)

Mr. A and I jumped on the podium pre-race since we figured we wouldn't place :)  And that's my aunt, who finished WAY before me.  Great job Aunt Kathy!

We didn't come in first, but we didn't come in last, so I consider that a WIN!

Thanks family, for the best weekend and thanks for praying and sharing in our journey!

If you would like to pray, share or invest in our adoption journey, you can do so here:
www.youcaring.com/carradoptionfund






Wednesday, November 30, 2016

November- National Adoption Month!

Today is the last day of National Adoption Month.  Don't worry, you'll still get plenty of adoption-related news from me and this blog, but I wanted to take a minute and thank everyone who was involved this month.  From sending a smiley face on #worldadoptionday to sharing and donating to our adoption fund.  Our journey's not over, but it's been really great to see such concentrated support this month and I can't tell you how much we appreciate it.

For many of you, adoption is not on your radar like it's on mine, but on this last day of awareness, I do want to let you know that even if you're not in the place to adopt, there are plenty of ways you can be involved in someone else's adoption story.

Here are just a few ways you can help:

1. Reach out to your local pregnancy center and volunteer.  The need for volunteers is strong everywhere, and having people handy to answer the phones, donate supplies, and the hundreds of other things needed for these centers to thrive is a real need.

2. Volunteer at a children's home.  Our Sunday School has spent time at the local boy's home here, and giving kids an opportunity to play, get some adult contact and positive mentoring not only is good for them, it's great for you!

3. Use your social media!  Posting or sharing your volunteer group of choice helps spread the word.  The average Facebook user spends at least 20 minutes per day looking at status updates.  Who knows how many eyes can hit your status update on giving back!?!?

Not sure where to start?  Volunteer Match has a great search engine!

Thank you for participating in Adoption Awareness Month and thank you for continuing to pray, share and invest in our adoption journey!  www.youcaring.com/carradoptionfund