A Moment of Truth and a Time of Trust

When we decided to go public with our journey, I knew in the back of my mind that not every post would be filled with rainbows and positive vibes because, like most things that are hard and out of my control, I have good days and bad days.  And I'll be honest.  Last week, I had a bad day.


I had just flown back into town from my last (YAY!!) work trip of the year.  I did the normal things I do once I land:


*Check in with Husband
*Check emails while waiting to get off plane
*Lug everything to the car
*Catch up on calls during the hour-drive home


On this particular day, during the check-in with the hubs I learned that a very large adoption welcome packet had been delivered by our agency.  While checking emails, I also discovered 2 separate but extremely detailed emails from the agency- one about our profile and another about the home study and items that we needed to start working on asap.


All of a sudden, this is REAL.  We've raised/saved our $$, had enough to start, and we are GOING.


At some point during the lugging of everything to the car, it just became so overwhelming.  So I did what I normally do when I'm overwhelmed and need to talk it out.  I start calling people.


I called my mom.  No answer.
I called my best friend.  No answer.
I called a couple of other friends.  No answer.


To be fair, I landed around the strange mix of dinner/get ready for bed/bedtime for these friends of mine that all have kids of different ages- it wasn't the best time to call, I know.  Maybe it was the fact that I couldn't get anyone on the phone, or maybe it was just the fact that all of a sudden we had SO MUCH to do but I lost it.  I cried like a baby all the way home.  And if you know me, you know that I'm pretty stoic- crying is not really a part of how I express myself.  But there it was; a blubbery mass of tears and choked sobs (I'm not a pretty crier) all the way to the house.


I did what any self-respecting female would do- I wiped my tears before getting out of the car so Mr. A would have no idea what was going on, and I buried my head in the sand.  It wasn't until blessed Saturday that I realized why I had my meltdown. 


The thing you don't hear too much of is how alone you may feel and how guarded you become when it comes to sharing those feelings.  I am confident in this decision and I know we're in God's will.  So what's going on in my head?!?


See, just because you may know you're on the right path doesn't mean it's easy.  And once a decision to do or not do something is made, it doesn't mean that future decisions or actions will just take care of themselves.  We want to adopt.  Hooray!  But it's still messy.  And there are still questions that need to be answered.  And there are still things out of our control.  And there may not always be someone to talk me off my emotional ledge.


I was reading the book of Psalms and really got stuck on Chapter 33.  It was a comfort to me and I hope you will take comfort if there are things in your life that are out of control.

²⁰ We wait in hope for the Lord;
    he is our help and our shield.
²¹ In him our hearts rejoice,
    for we trust in his holy name.
²² May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
    even as we put our hope in you.

If you would like to pray, share or invest in our adoption journey, you may do so here:

www.youcaring.com/carradoptionfund