The Big News

In order to get to our big news, I feel like I need to set the stage a bit- just so you have all of the background handy in order to have the whole story.  I have to admit, putting this out on paper and clicking "publish" for the world to see is scary but here goes.  This is the first time I've publicly shared some of these details so forgive me if parts seem rambling.  Deep breath and please bear with me. 

Mr. A and I have been married for 6 years.  As it always happens whenever anyone's been married for longer than 24 hours, we often get the question, "When are you going to have kids?" or "Do you have kids?" or "When's the baby coming?".   Our answers usually ran along the lines of "We're enjoying our newlywed life" or "Not yet but we're working on it (wink wink)!"   What I wanted to answer was more along the lines of "I wish it were that easy" or "Not for lack of trying" or "As soon as possible."  Then, as years went by, my inner answer became more like "I've tried everything but it's still not happening" or "There's nothing we'd rather have than a child but nothing is working" or "Nothing's coming."

No baby.  No pregnancy.  Nothing.  If you've never experienced infertility, I don't know if I can truly explain with words the feelings of failure, grief and hopelessness that come with that "no."  You see, I've always wanted to be a mother.  Granted, I'm great at hiding it in public- in fact I'm sure there are some of our Houston friends who just assume we didn't want kids.  But it's there.  Hidden deep in my heart has always been that desire.  And every month that has gone by, every doctor we've seen, every surgery I've had has done nothing to take away the grief and fear that motherhood just simply was not meant to be.

We've seen 3 fertility specialists, I've had 2 surgeries, been tested for multiple issues and this past year, we realized that having a child biologically just was not going to happen for us.  I think a part of my heart bled a little the day we realized the door was closed.  Just knowing that for whatever reason my body wasn't performing the basic functions that a woman should be able to do was heart-breaking.  I questioned God, myself, my doctors, my husband, every blog I read, WebMD... the list goes on.

I think the biggest disappointment wasn't necessarily for me but rather for those who would have been affected if I had become pregnant.  My husband, who is so good with kids and would make the best father.  My parents, who are already amazing grandparents.  Not only have I felt like a personal failure, but it was like I was failing those around me. 

Here's where the story gets a little brighter.

The crazy thing is, despite the pain and believe me, I've had some dark days over this, that desire to be a mother has not gone away.  I've prayed for it to go away, I've really tried to be content with just being an aunt and a great friend/baby sitter to all of my friends who are parents.  But deep inside me there's always been the voice telling me to be patient and wait.  So I've waited and prayed.

I've prayed and waited through class reunions where I really couldn't bear to go because I knew what kid questions might be asked that I didn't want to answer.
I've prayed and waited through counseling with Mr. A because our struggles to become parents really started to take a toll on our marriage as we took our frustration out on each other.
I've prayed and waited through each office pregnancy announcement, baby shower, Facebook post of someone's 1-month (and so on) pictures, and new nephew that arrived.

Here's some interesting things I've learned through waiting and prayer:
1. God has a plan that is bigger than me and my wants.
2.  There's power in being still and waiting.
3. The waiting brought so many positive changes in our lives.  My marriage is stronger than ever through the struggles we've had.  Mr. A and I have a renewed faith in our Creator and his plan for us.  I've been able to really invest in friends and family that needed me.  And truly, I came to love every pregnancy announcement, baby shower Facebook, post and the cutest nephews ever without any regret or worry over my own situation.

There's a verse in the Bible I've used that says "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." (Romans 5: 1-4).   I don't know if I've really been able to "glory in my sufferings" but I will say that patience and waiting on God's timing has produced Hope in my soul and it's that Hope that I wasn't abandoned, left to be disappointed, or a female failure that brings us to our big announcement.  Are you ready?!!??!

Mr. A and I have signed on with an agency to begin adoption proceedings.  Even writing that sentence gives me the biggest grin.  It's like all the puzzle pieces that I had been trying to jam into place for so many years suddenly fit with perfect clarity.  We knew we were meant to parent and when we started looking into adoption, the journey gathering information, getting to know different agencies and the prayers already answered with doors that were OPENING for us has been amazing!!  We've slowly started to share this news with select friends and family and the response has been overwhelming.  Everyone has been so supportive, happy for us and it's just convinced us that THIS is our path and our journey.

Here are some fun facts about adoption:
*The average cost of a private adoption is $25-40,000+ (every state has different laws, fees, etc.)
*Dave Thomas, Steve Jobs, Kristin Chenoweth, Bill Clinton, Faith Hill, Simone Biles and Mother Theresa were all adopted
*Larry Bird, Al Roker, Andy Griffith,  Walt Disney, and Hugh Jackman are all adoptive parents

Fun facts about our adoption:
*We're working with a national agency which means our profile is available to birth moms across the US
*My mom worked for an adoption agency back in Georgia so she's already fielded about 142,305 calls from us with random questions- and she hasn't blocked our calls yet!
*Since we started opening up about our journey, the number of people who have called with their own adoption story keeps growing.

I will keep sharing more but am so excited to give our big announcement. So many of you have asked how you can be a part of our journey and believe me, we NEED your help.

First, please pray for us.  This will not be an easy road and I'll continue to blog on updates, etc. but at a quick glance, adoption is expensive, there are a bunch of unknowns and it's easy to second guess since there are so many decisions to be made.  Pray for our sanity, pray for our agency and most of all, please keep our birth mother in your prayers.  I can't think of anything more courageous that the decisions our birth mother will be making to care for her unborn child and share the parenting of that child with us.

If you also would like to, please share our story.  Just by opening up, the connections we've made to other couples who have adopted or experienced infertility has been really great to see.  If we are able to make a connection or lift the spirits of anyone out there who has also had a similar journey, I'd like to be able to offer some of the same HOPE.

Finally, I'd like to ask you to think and pray about giving.  More on this later, but adoption is not an inexpensive option.  There are reasons for the costs being what they are and I will be sharing more in future posts, but the fact is we are not equipped with all of the funds to go on this journey alone.  The
average adoption in the US costs between $25-40,000 so we will be doing some fundraising, raffles, etc.  If you are able to give towards this journey we would be so grateful.  If not, please share our story as there may be someone in your network of friends who believes in adoption and would like to help.  If you have ideas on how we can spread our story please reach out.

The below is our link that has more info on our story and now I'm going to take a deep breath because I know this was a heavy post.  I do want to thank everyone who made it to the end.  You have been a part of my network for many years and I don't know if we can go on this journey without you.  Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and open up, thank you for listening, and thank you in advance for your prayers and for your support.

https://www.youcaring.com/carradoptionfund