3AM Feedings Part One

Mommy has the night shift this week as Daddy goes back to work tomorrow... or today... or... wait, what day is it?!?  Yes, you veteran parents- please feel free to smile indulgently at the Mommy brain that has quickly developed inside of me in the space of a few weeks.  No, I have no idea what day it is, No I don't know when my next shower will be, and No, my lunch yesterday wasn't saltines and sliced cheese... wait that's actually correct.

Yes, motherhood is HERE and as weird and crazy and stressful as it is, I am just thrilled and thankful beyond measure!

There's so much I want to share with you all, so be warned- there may be more early AM blogging coming your way.  And unlike the past several months when I felt I had NO news to share, now, my brain is so full, I am not quite sure where to start.

Tonight for some reason, the hospital where Baby C was born has been on my mind, so I'd like to share with you a little bit about our experience, being adoptive parents on the maternity floor and later the NICU.

If you're just joining in, our timeline is as follows:

Monday- baby girl is born
Wednesday- got a call about baby girl and that our profile was being shown
Same Wednesday- learned we had been picked and went to hospital and met with Birth Mother.  Got to see baby for the first time
Thursday- spent all day with Birth Mother, baby and assorted caseworkers- placement paperwork signed
Friday + 11 more days- daily trips to the NICU to spend time with daughter
Tuesday- (16 days later) released from hospital!

All in all that's 15 days of hospital time we spent and here are some interesting things I learned, being the adoptive parent:

1. Meeting the birthmother is a life changing experience.
If you are thinking and praying about adoption, something that could seem a little scary is meeting the birth parents. I can only speak from my experience, but I can say meeting the birthmother, getting to love on her, getting to hug her and getting to talk to her will go down as one of the most precious times in my life.  Set aside your expectations and let your heart guide you through.

2. Adoption isn't as common as you might think so be careful the impression you give.
Regardless of how much I thought adoption was very commonplace, in the hospital, their main concern is to protect birth parents and babies.  So, if you get to the hospital and don't find the warmest reception at first, don't get upset. Hospitals are protecting their patients.  Our caseworker gave us great advice- to be friendly and not too pushy.  Even after our placement papers were signed, there was a paperwork hiccup on the hospital side that prevented us from asking medical information on baby C at first.  Behind the scenes we were very vocal with caseworkers and really pushing our team to work with the hospital. But in the eyes of the nurses, doctors, and administrators, we tried to be friendly, warm and just plain thankful to everyone involved in Baby C's care.  Believe me, I wanted to tattoo MOTHER on my forehead and go in guns blazing, but in the end, our friendly gentle approached worked and smoothed roads of those who may have been skeptical of adoption better than any in your face action.  It also gave Mr. A and I a chance to be a witness to so many about our faith, our belief that we were right in the middle of God's perfect plan for us, and I truly believe people responded to us in a positive way.

3. The nurses are the unsung heroes
In the middle of the paperwork, the waiting, etc., every day was spent in the quiet NICU.  Mr. A, my parents, and I took turns so at least one of us was there with Baby C as much as possible.  Let me tell you, NICU can be a scary place.  Babies are hooked up to monitors, and can be attached with oxygen, feeding tubes and medicines in most cases so a calm quiet presence is needed.  Every day the nurses got to know us a little bit more.  We listened to them, brought them treats and tried to acknowledge them every minute.  While I am not thankful my baby spent over 2 weeks in the NICU, that time was so precious.  We got lots of little parenthood trainings from the nurses- from feedings to baths, and had a hands on approach whenever we felt we needed help.  And let me tell you, if you can manage a diaper change with cords and tubes tangled around your child's legs without too much panic, you can do anything!
As the nurses and team in the NICU got to know us, we formed a special bond in our joint effort to see to Baby C's care.  In addition to all of you who were praying and sending your well wishes, we had this physical army of men and women who love these little babies so much and want them to get well.
Under our tree is the first present and it was given to us by one of the nurses to Baby C.  I'll forever be thankful for all of the gentle hands loving on my child during her first 2 weeks.

4.  Expect the unexpected and don't be afraid to call on your support system
I don't know why I thought our adoption would be a smooth road- but even in this incredible period of joy, every hour it seemed like a new hurtle would be thrown our way and we would have to navigate our way through.  Additional paperwork, additional fees, the sheer physical exhaustion of the NICU... you name it, we've experienced it over the past three weeks.  And there is NO way Mr. A and I would have been able to get through the past 3 weeks on our own.  We've had to seek out help, advice and strength from:
The Lord- I had a breakdown in the shower about halfway through our NICU stay when I realized my shoulders could not carry the weight of what was happening around me.  My faith (which has always been strong), was tested in a big way this month and I recognized very clearly that the only way I am able to make it through is by relying on His strength and not mine.
Our Parents- Financially, physically, emotionally, both of our parents have been there for us this in ways we have not recognized.  Mr. A and I are not used to asking for help, but the first call we made was to my parents, asking for prayer and support.  When you are "picked" for a possible adoption, there's also a flurry of decisions, fees, etc. that have to be decided and normally you have a few days to process, talk things over and then get back to the agency.  IN our case, they all had to be decided and within a 3 minute time span and my brain could not process it all.  A baby had been born.  Birmom wanted to meet us in an hour.  Fees were ... Paperwork required was ... and on and on.  I literally felt like my head was going to explode and am thankful for my mom (a former adoption social worker) who helped us quickly process the information we were given.  My parents drove in, Mr. A's mom is arriving this week, and the support from them has been amazing.  We would not have been able to say YES to Baby C without their help.  And I will tell you something.  Seeing your parents hold their grandchild for the first time-- there's a whole blog post needed for that warm and fuzzy feeling!
Our Network of Friends- When we got the Wednesday call, we did not even own a diaper.  But while we concentrated on the NICU, some dear friends helped set us up for Baby C to come home.  One friend brought 2 tubs of Preemie-3 month clothing, another brought her bassinet and so on.....it was so helpful to be able to just focus on Baby C.  Literally every day since we've been home, there's been a new package of diapers or formula that has arrived from a friend or family member.  It's really just allowed us to concentrate on getting Baby C used to her new environment and loving on her.

5. Breathe and know it will all be ok.
While on a short break from the NICU, some sweet friends brought by some baby stuff and someone mentioned newborn photos and how it's best to take them before the baby is 2 weeks old.  I smiled on the outside but inside I was in a complete panic.  What if Baby C stayed in the NICU more than 2 weeks?  What if we couldn't afford newborn photos with the extra costs we were paying for the adoption fees?  Was I already failing at this motherhood thing by missing out on an important step?  (this was also the day of my shower breakdown)
Adoptions won't go exactly according to my plan.  Baby won't cooperate exactly according to my plan.  Motherhood (and fatherhood) won't go exactly according to my plan.  And you know what?  That's ok.  I have child who, instead of getting newborn pics, was receiving some of the best care in the city.  And in the end, I know it's all going according to God's plan, so I can take that deep breath, take some of the weight off of my shoulders, and give it to Him.

I am so thankful for our timline and our hospital experience.  While it was certainly not what we expected, I am already seeing so many blessings from our time there.

So, now it's 4:12 and Baby is making some interesting noises... is it possible she's hungry again?!?  Maybe.  She eats like a teenage boy, but I'm told that's a good thing at this age.

Tomorrow Daddy's back and work and Mommy is on her own- I'm sure that will give me TONS of great blogging material for later in the week...

Much love to all...

Mama C

Sweet Baby C

It’s amazing what can happen on a regular Wednesday. One minute you are at work and the next you get a phone call that will change everything

“A baby was born this week and you were chosen...”

After that it all went a little blurry. Calling my husband. Calling my parents. Rushing to the hospital while on the phone with the caseworker. Meeting the birth mother. And then, holding the baby. Our baby. It’s true what people say. The minute her Birth Mom placed her in my arms I thought, “Of course. Here you are. I’ve been waiting for you. You are my baby.”

Fast forward to more blurry moments. More discussions with the caseworker. Discussions with my husband. Waiting. Praying. Visiting baby. Visiting Birthmother. Text updates to family. Signing paperwork. More waiting. Praying. And then, just like that our little family grew by one.

Of course it wasn’t that simple. There are countless details that still need to be worked out. Decisions to be made, appointments to schedule.  We are buying diapers, outfitting a nursery, and spending every available minute at the hospital with baby.

Baby C is just about ready to be released from the hospital. Home for Thanksgiving hopefully and what a blessing that will be. Our little miracle. Our little angel. Our daughter.

More to come- after all this is our never ending story...

Finding our Joy

Dear friends,

It has been too long since our last update but it is with such a joyful heart that I write this post.

We have been blessed with a daughter!

To back up, on Wednesday of this week, we received a call asking if we would be open to an adoption for a baby girl that had already been born on Monday.  Yesterday (on World Adoption Day!), papers were finalized, so our little family has increased to 3!

Baby is still in the NICU as we want her strong and healthy and back up to birth weight, so please be praying for her health!  We are completely overwhelmed- after more than a year of waiting, in 48 hours our lives have completely turned upside down!

When I think about our journey, it's surreal.  The ups, the downs, the joys and the heartaches.  Today I am reminded so much of God's promises for us.  I never could have imagined this path for us, but when I held our baby in my arms and she opened her eyes and looked at me, all I could think was, "Of course, Lord. This is our baby."

2. Our mouths were filled with laughter,

our tongues with songs of joy.

Then it was said among the nations,

"The Lord has done great things for them."

3. The Lord has done great things for us,

and we are filled with joy.

Psalm 126

This is just a sneak peek.  More updates to come soon!  We are being private with our social media but please continue to pray!

Today is a BIG Day

It never fails.  The minute you start dating someone, people start talking marriage.  The second the honeymoon is over, people start asking babies.  And so on, and so on.

I realize this blog is mainly designed to talk about our desire to grow our family, but today, I'd like to focus on the current family for just a second.

Today is our 7th anniversary.

7 years ago today Mr. A. and I stood up in front of family and friends and tied the knot.

I think about that time in our lives so much.  We were (and are) so happy with each other.  After almost a year of long distance, we were in the same place and pledging to love and honor for the rest of our lives.  And after that we got to be together!  No more planes or phone calls, but actual face to face time.  It was amazing.

The wedding was perfect and everything I wanted.  Dramatic (of course), full of fun, personal and meaningful.

Yes, that is a backdrop in our church.  Are you surprised?!!?

There are some parts of that day that I remember with perfect clarity.  I remember my bridesmaids looking so beautiful.  I remember putting on my blue shoes that the wedding party had signed the night before.  I remember my sweet wedding planner Jayne, who passed away this year, giving me a pep talk right before the doors opened.  I remember just grinning.  No crying, no emotions other than pure joy at marrying my best friend.

I remember the reception as one big blur of dancing, hugging on friends and family and celebrating life.

I remember looking at my parents and realizing very clearly that a shift in our relationship had just happened.  I was still their daughter, but now I was married and part of a "we" moving forward.

I remember our family and friends coming from all over to be with us.  Our camp friends, NYC friends, theatre friends and family all in one space- it was so perfect.

There are plenty of times these days when it's easy to feel down and depressed.  Infertility, trying to patiently wait on the next steps with adopting, and the feelings that go with this can be so hard.  But I have to remember that I'm the lucky one here.  I already have a family and that began 7 years ago.  Together, Mr. A and I have created a life that is not perfect, but one that has been such a blessing to me.  I don't take our marriage for granted and I am very aware that I am in a minority these days.  The wedding was amazing, but we've been blessed beyond that.

Our newleywed life in NYC...

Our trips and adventures...

All our moves...

Macon...New York...Baltimore...Houston

And now getting ready for this next adventure...

I love you Mr. A.  HAPPY HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!  Here's to MANY more years to come!

National Infertility Awareness Week

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week...

Man I wish I was a better writer.  If I was, I might be able to express all of this on my own, but instead, I'm borrowing from others.

I wanted to share an article that is a small portion of what USA Today is covering this week.  The struggle is real.  The heartache is real.  And even when there is resolution (adoption, surrogacy,  successful IVF, etc) it doesn't take away from what the journey looked like to get there.

I get it.  Unhappy subjects, murky areas that aren't full of sunshine, and talk of things that might get you a frowny face on Facebook are more taboo than just sharing the joy.  But there is power in letting these things out.

For a long time I internalized my grief and disappointment.  I projected a happy outside while inside I felt like a failure.  It's always my hope that while people can follow along with our journey, it will also give some courage and hope to some other woman out there who may be silently struggling.  If this is you, please know you are not alone.  Sharing these stories and talking in the open air takes away some of the power that grief and disappointment can carry.

There are so many things that people are hurting over these days and so many statistics that are staggering.  For those of you who have been praying for Mr. A and I as we have battled this issue, I can't thank you enough.

Check it out.  There are videos and stories, statistics and cold hard facts.  And many of what you will see are situations, statistics, facts and feelings that we personally have gone through and are still battling.  I'm thankful that I know God has his hand in this and there is light at the end of the tunnel, but the struggle is so real.

If you are also struggling, please know you are not alone.

National Infertility Awareness Week- read all about it!

Baby Carr Update

Hi friends and neighbors and the internet!  Katy's Neverending Story has been on a bit of a hiatus lately with no good reason except life has been BUSY.  Here's an update on our crazy lives:

March- performed back in our hometown to help raise funds for Baby C.
March- work travel piled up thanks to weather delays and snowstorms
April- more work travel (trying to fit in as much as possible pre-baby)
April- weekend getaway to Austin with Mr. A to celebrate our early anniversary

Here are some adoption updates:
No news yet!

Now I've talked about the waiting game before and I am still pretty proud of myself for dealing with all this with patience- or as much patience as I can muster.  We're lucky in that we get regular updates from our caseworker (even if there are no updates to give) and we have our awesome tracker.  We can view in realtime the number of "hits" to our online profile.  I may or may not check every day.

So as of today, here's where we stand:

Now these could be skewed- it could be other prospective adoptive couples trolling to see how profiles need to be written (no judgement cause that's exactly what I did), but I do take comfort in the fact that people ARE looking at our profile and they are looking pretty regularly.  These views also don't take into account the other websites where our profile is listed- this is just the views for our specific agency.  April is a little slower than March, so I'm trying not to stress about it, but all in all, I'm feeling good.

So, between checking on our status and working like crazy, so far Mr. A and I are handling the waiting game pretty well.

We're getting noticed online.  WIN.
We've taken a couple's weekend away just for us.  WIN.
We've "tested" every glider in the state of Texas on it's baby-rocking aptitude.  WIN.
We've slowly started to add to the nursery.  WIN.
We've talked semi-seriously about baby names.  WIN.

I've also recently dropped some of the adoption groups and boards I originally joined when we started this process.  I've found that for the most part there are just too many opinions to go around.  And with opinions comes judgement and with judgement comes guilt and stress and that's not something we need when we don't even know what type of situation we are going to be presented with.

Here's the one piece of advice I'll ever give.  If you are considering adoption, talk to your friends and family about it.  Get the story from someone you know who's been through it.  Your situation may not be the same, but there's a bunch of "stranger danger" reading and taking to heart the opinions and situations of complete strangers.  Use your own network of people who love you.

So, we continue to wait.  We continue to pray.  Financially we are in a good place.  We continue to add to our fund and feel confident in what we've been able to raise/save.  We continue to be overwhelmed by the shows of support we are still receiving from friends, family, and complete strangers.

You can follow our journey here:  www.youcaring.com/carradoptionfund

The Post-Show Show Part 1- a BIG thank you!

In theatre, there are stages to every production:

Pre-Production- this is where you have to be at your most organized.  There are so many details, rehearsals, final checks, notes and all around stresses to deal with.  Your mind is constantly spinning and working in circles frantically trying to ensure no detail is missed.

Production- this is where adrenaline and sheer determination kick in and all of the details fly away in the face of the lights, the actors and the audience.

Post-Production- this is the dreamlike euphoric state of emotions you didn't have time to process during pre-production.  You accomplished something amazing!  You bonded with people for life over this one event!  You keep creating conversations that start with, "Can you believe this happened?" or "Do you remember when...".

Well folks, I'm still in that post-production haze.  I truly meant to write about our show the next day, but several things happened:

1. A VERY early flight home.  Followed by a VERY long nap.

2.  A VERY busy workweek (probably making up for a previous very distracted workweek).

3. A VERY busy second workweek.

4. Figuring out the new routine post-production.

So, I am so sorry that it's taken me a couple of weeks to regroup.  My mom said I shouldn't stress too much about it, but I don't like silent cyberspace, so please accept my apology!  I promise, regular blogging is resuming!

So, we are working on the production video (yes there is video, and yes, some of it is so adorable I can't wait to share, but in the meantime, I did want to share a couple of stories and thank you's about our show...just in case you missed it.

So Once Upon a Time, I was a floundering 20-something single gal struggling with school, struggling with life and struggling with my place in the world.  I'll admit- I was not a rebellious teenager- instead my rebellion and angst happened in my early 20's.  I was lost.  Fast forward a couple of years to me assisting with my alma mater's one-act theatre production of West Side Story.  We won state (go Trojans!) and as an encore, we booked the Theatre Macon stage for a final performance for friends and family.  That was when I first met Jim Crisp, the artistic director.  I'd known who he was, I had seen his shows, but this was a big moment in my life- even if I didn't know it then.

It was through that performance that Jim later called and asked me to choreograph their Youth Actor's Company production of Brigadoon.  I said yes, and that started my relationship with Theatre Macon, the Youth Actor's Company, the Board of the Theatre, and my friendship with Jim, my relationship with Mr. A, and so many other friendships and partnerships that are so meaningful in my life.

It was Jim, this past Christmas as we were catching up over lunch, who had the idea to have some sort of a performance to assist in our fundraising.

Jim was at our show and gave the most moving curtain speech.  It's hard to express what he means to me, and how that one meeting so many years ago shaped so much of where I am today.  The performance last month will go down as one of my most special memories- and it wouldn't have happened without him.

I can't wait to tell our baby one day about this theatre and this man who changed my course.

Jim, you have always been a driving mentor in my life.  I'm so thankful our paths crossed when they did, and so grateful for your direction, your friendship, and your generosity.  Adam and I love you so much.